Filed under: cupid stuffs
I went for a massage.
And I guess that was the first time I threw tantrum at him. I wasn’t being unreasonable.
He again, pushed me to his colleague for massage without informing me ahead. I raised my voice and asked why was it his colleague and not him?I told him he could have informed me earlier that he didn’t have the time to do the session. He told me that he had been saying no to my requests for massage and he felt bad. Plus he was going to have another three session with another customer.
That really gotten me pissed off. I had to tell him off at the shop and that next time he should let me know earlier if he’s going to get someone to replace him.
But he saw me as being unreasonable.
I explained why I flared up.
And yes, during the process of flaring up, I upset a colleague of his. But I later apologized to her. I didn’t mean harm to her. But he never see that it was cos of what he’s done, that’s why I ended up upsetting that colleague.
It was beyond my comprehension why was he ignoring me. I had to ask if he was angry with me. Silence. I have expected that. I took him a long while to speak again. He said we made it official that I will leave him alone for two months. I think that’s ridiculous. I didn’t know it would meant not being able to contact him from the perspective of a friend.
He talked about his work. I felt like he was trying to make himself sound as down as possible by bringing all his major work issues. And he coughed blood again. I wasn’t really “taken aback”. He said he’s keeping all his emotions and trying to keep himself calm. He said he believes that his problems are his, and not meant to be shared with me.
I told him as a friend he’s being very rude.
When he mentioned about the “two months”, I wondered what would my reactions be if he comes back when the two months’ time is up? As of now, at this moment, I doubt I would want to get back with him. I can’t imagine spending my life with him in this manner. Anyway, he’s missed the many chances I have given to him. I don’t think he would even care if he has any more chances.
I’m here trying really hard to be just your friend. I’ve long dropped the idea of wanting to be your gf. In fact, I don’t wish to be anymore. And here, you don’t understand the foundation of a simple friendship. No point of me extending my hand for a handshake when you’re not even extending yours. Really, fuck you, get out of my life.
And yes, you fucking do owe me a HUGE apology.
M, I am left with two sessions there. Could you go help me finish up the last two sessions? Let me know when you go, so that I can sms and let him know. I don’t want to go back to that place for massage for a long period of time, after what happened today.
I’ve always love chatting with my boss. I like talking to him cos he takes my mind off everything else but work. He made me wants to work even harder for a better future for myself. He inspires me every time whenever we discuss about projects. And cos we’re so open with each other, I trust him even more. Actually, I know I’m in good hands.
Me: I can’t wait to start work.
Him: Haha
Me: Why laughed?
Him: Cos you can’t wait to start work. Hahaha
Him: And you haven’t realise fully what you’re getting yourself into. =D
Me: what would i be getting myself into?
Me: lots of work and busy schedules right?
Him: yupz
Him: and multi tasking cross different projects
Me: Good.
Me: That’s what I want
I don’t know if my boss knows why I can’t wait to start work or not. I guess he knows.
I want to make myself damn busy, I want to keep my mind occupied to think of him. I want to tire myself out so that when I get home, I won’t have much energy to think too much. I failed tonight cos I thought of him again. But I’m getting better each day.
So, I took up another two students. They start officially after chinese new year. Like I was sharing with Rinn and Lydia the other day, my life reverts back to my poly / MIS days. Rinn said the only difference is now I’m equipped with experience.
Let me see. Four student’s in total. Three evenings of tuition during the weekdays, one whole saturday / sunday for all the four students.
Chinese opera lessons, every sat and sun evening, and two week days evenings. When there are shows / performance, I will be this busy. If not, probably just Sat and Sun evening lessons. Work is on and off, depends on the peak period. And now, where do I find slots for the youth volunteer work? Let’ see.
And occasionally, dinners with good friends.
Every minute taken up. And I won’t have time for relationship.
I know, someday when I return to read this entry again, I will laugh at myself for making it such a childish one. Just let me be, if this makes me happy.
xx
Filed under: Uncategorized
I is so fucking tired and sleepy.
she am so sick-ed of it all.
You is not going to turn around.
Goodbye to the people who upset me,
Goodbye to the people who took me for granted,
Goodbye to the people who turned their back against me,
Goodbye to the people who took away everything from me,
Goodbye to the people who thought I didn’t care,
Goodbye to the people who hurt me without knowing.
Goodbye to the people who made use of me,
Goodbye to the people who made a fool out of me,
Goodbye to the people who had not stood by me.
Goodbye to the people who…
So goodbye to you.
* * *
My Tuesday was a great one. It was fully packed all the way till 11.30pm! I met with NN for dinner before heading for my chinese opera. I learned something new today during the rehearsal. I learned how to make use of the “luo” to accentuate the characters of the opera, to help beautiful the details of the movements and acts.
The passion for chinese opera is still in me. Some actions that were carried out meant so much that reading the scripts out. See, they always say actions speak louder than words.
Went to meet my Boss after the rehearsal. He passed me a bottle of customised candy that had the company name on it. And he also gave me an angbao for chinese new year. Woohoo! Wasn’t expecting to get that now cos I’m not officially onboard. Freaking USD50! We chatted about projects and how our graphic designer boils his blood all the time. And also, how the design of our new year greeting card came about. I really had a good laugh.
Came home and was feeling slightly down when I sat down to have a debrief of the whole day’s activities. Was in deep thoughts about how some actions of some friends actually disappointed me. Came to turn that I haven’t been feeling happy not cos of him only, but also cos of some friends and Kevin called.
It really is good to reconnect back with him again after losing contact for so many years. Had a chat and smoked at the voideck.
Now, I’m so freaking tired that I can fall asleep peacefully.
Wednesday will be better.
Filed under: daily thoughts
Time is 3.20am.
I know I was damn tired just now when I was out with Kevin and Serene for supper. I know I wanna hit the bed ASAP when I get home. But here I am, still very wide awake by thoughts and plans for my next half year.
Sigh.
I still don’t know how to pen my thoughts down here.. .
I think I will go lie down and try to fall asleep.
Filed under: daily thoughts
I have nothing much to say.
I’m sick of talking.
I’ve never felt so good waking up early on a Sunday morning!
I haven’t been able to get enough sleep the whole week. Every evening when I decided to turn in early, something cropped up and I needed to be there or up in front of my computer.
Ever since I’ve not been working, and that my spine problem gotten worse, I’ve learned that resting and letting your body to recover is very important. I must had been a fool in the past to believe that I could get the rest from the 5 mins nap on the bus or on the train. I’m glad that I turned down all my friends’ invitation last night to hang out in the clubs, for late night suppers, for late night movies, for last minute’s mah jong sessions. I was very tempted to move my ass into the town to join some friends but I decided that if I get myself in town, I would be too tired to enjoy myself and I won’t have ample rest and the vicious cycle repeats.
Moreover, I was on my pills again and would be knocked out anytime soon.
I didn’t fall, but tripped twice on Friday. One was missing a step at the over head bridge while getting myself to Lakeside station. The other time was tripping over the tile at the car park when I was on my way home after work. These two missed steps gotten me stamped on my right feet so hard that they sent immediate pain to my lower spine which was very bad.
I got pretty frustrated with this kind of pain and really decided that I should go for the operation and get myself fixed once and for all. I’ve more or less decided to for the operation, but it was just yesterday after this two trips, I wanted to go for my operation even more badly. So I was pretty much in pain since Friday till last evening.
Every time when my back is in serious pain, when the muscles are clenched so tight, when a move of myself sends bolt of pain throughout, I think of him. And that is an additional pain to my back pain. I have to keep telling myself that I have managed my pain on my own even before I met him. I’ve to keep telling myself that my life right now is just back to the days before I’ve met him, before the days when I’ve gone for regular massages.
I can’t wait to finish my work with my current company. The route to the office has traces of us together. I just can’t stand the sight of the places. Everyday to work and returning home from work, I have to take the same route, and pass by the same spots. I just don’t need this kind of things to remind me.
I think I’m doing pretty good. Time really heals. I need another few shots of Time and I will be fine. =D
That day, I ended everything completely. I no longer hold any card or package anymore. And that last session, he fixed my right shoulder. I just have to make sure that I don’t injure my right shoulder blade again. I didn’t ask for him to return my fifty dollars. I told him to get a new package, have it all stamped, take it as I’m repaying him for what he’s given me.
And that day, I made a really tough decision – to walk away without saying a proper goodbye.
I’ve decided to go for my operation. The problem now is I need to find a schedule that will cater to my work schedule and also allow me to have time to recover and start my new project in May. My current project will end in mid April.
I can’t take the pain anymore, and also the fact that I’m dependent on painkillers. Everything I experience pain in any of my back, be it lower or upper back, or shoulder, I will think of him. I wanna go for the operation to take away such kind of frustrations and agony. I want to be well again, to be able to enjoy a good game of badminton, to be able to run like before, to be able to walk long distance, to be able to enjoy photo taking in the outdoors. And also, I won’t have pain which remind me of him.
I don’t want to fall in love anymore. Mama never warn me that love hurts much more than being cheated for sex. Not that i’ve been cheated for sex before So.. I’m going to stay focused on building up my career, solving my financial problems, taking good care of my health, spend more time with my family and good friends, be more serious with the chinese operas, be a better and more attention giving tutor to my last two students, have more quality time for myself and make full use of every minute that’s remained in my life. Anything, or everything but love…
Every where that I go to, there are traces of memories of us.
I’m going through a pretty tough time. I wasn’t expecting letting go of him is so tough. I didn’t know it hurts so much deep inside me, so much that I couldn’t breathe properly. I was being confident that two weeks’ times is enough for me to let go and move on.. But I’m so darn wrong about myself, so darn wrong about what he could do to me.
Time heals…
Filed under: work
I can’t remember when was the last time I was up so late because of work. I realised I haven’t been working since I stopped my tenure with my former company.
The stress is heighten. The anxiety is getting intensive. The adrenaline rush is in me. Everything is getting so exciting for me. So exciting that I can’t sleep even though my eye lids are drooping down. One bad point about single eyelids – tend to fall asleep easier.
I was telling Max just now after our dinner that I’ve been in a very good mood lately. Well, I actually refused to let myself sink down no matter what happen. It sort of become a practice for me to always think on a brighter side. I don’t know since when, I’ve learned to appreciate the finest thing in life. Everyday, I seek something that is simple that makes me happy. I think about that the whole day.
I’m not as frustrated as before with my pain in my injuries.
I kinda failed slightly today. I lost my cool when my agent told me that my pay would be delayed. I really sounded pissed over the phone. But I didn’t lose my cool on her. I realised that when I’m angry, taking a deep deep breath and giving myself a big smile help alot, for me at least. You should give it a try the next time. It buys you some time to think things through. Anyway, my problem with the agent’s solved.
It is going to be busy period for me all the way until after 7th Feb. I’m heading to JB this saturday to check the stage out. And then I will be back home to KL on 13th Feb all the way till 22nd Feb. I will return back to SG to start my work with the next company officially. And that’s when my new phase of life starts. I’m so looking forward to it. I hope I don’t lose this enthusiasm when the time comes.
Over the years, I’ve learned that no matter how fast and how far you run away from your problems, the problems are still there. The thing about problems are they are there for you to solve. There’s a reason why problems surfaced in your life, they are there to help you be a stronger person. If the problems are not meant to be solved, then they are not considered problems at all.
I have a problem which I’ve been facing all this while. I’ve been sweeping it under the carpet and try to ignore it. Today was the final call, I no longer has the energy of running away from it, I no longer have the energy of sweeping it under the carpet. I’m going to face it.
The lesson that I’ve learned this time round, don’t let history repeat itself again.
Nope, please do not come and ask me what problem is it.
No matter how tough life is, no matter how low you’ve hit, no matter how bad you’ve fallen, there will be a day when things will get better if only you allow yourself to move on.. And by running away from the problem, ignoring it and not wanting to do anything about it just cos you do not have the courage, things will not get better on it s own. I’ve learned that you need to put in efforts to get that pot of honey if you want to taste something sweet in the end.
The reason why many of us are fearful and worrisome of the uncertain, of what’s going to happen if we were to take this step forward is because we’re afraid of losing what we had, or not getting what we expected ourselves to get in the end. I’ve learned that all of us (or at least myself) started off with nothing, so there’s nothing much to be afraid of. As long as we’re contented with what we have, strive and reach out for whatever that is within our means, I’m sure things will be fine and we will get by.
A few weeks back, I thought to myself that “How great, everything’s back to square one! And I have to start all over again!”. I take that back. That’s not true. Everything’s not exactly back to square one. I’ve learned a great deal over these few years and I am now equipped with life skills, and I’m street smarter than before. I’ve met the good and nasty ones, I’ve fallen many times, gotten up many times. I’ve enjoyed the process of falling down.
Life is beautiful, no matter how many times it had disappointed me. What would be most disappointing is if I continue to believe that life shouldn’t be this way. On this night, when everything’s in a mess and I’m still having a bit of sanity in myself and being able to smile to myself, I’m grateful.
Lately, my common topic of conversations revolved around how easily I am to be taken advantage of by people around me. My common response would be “nah, it’s ok”. Yes, I’m really ok with it as long as I do not have to put in an extra effort to make myself a huge advantage to people. If it helps the person, make the person’s day, why not? It doesn’t kill or harm me.
I always tell myself, “Sammie, be brave, have faith and believe. Go for it.” I don’t want to forget to tell myself that anytime. I want to be repeating that to myself everyday. I want to remember to smile no matter how bad times are. If you could smile even when the times are bad, that smile is priceless. That spirit is wholesome.
I’m still learning how to be a strong person, for myself and for the love ones around me.
There will be times when you’ve grown tired and weary of the battle that had been going on for life, and you so want to give up. Don’t give up, take a break, enjoy whatever that’s coming to you. Take a break, rest your body, rest your mind and soul. Ask yourself what was it that brought you to where you are, and ask yourself if this is still what you want. If the answer remains to be the same as what you’ve set out for, then take a longer break and get ready to dash forward after that.
If things are no longer the same as what you’ve wanted in the first place, it is ok. I believe that it is alright for you to give up (but not all the times!) cos there’s no point running against the wall and getting yourself bruised, injured and out of energy.
And if you’r reading this, and you’re facing problems of your own.. just remember.. things will be better if you want it, and you let it to be. =D
